So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Be still, my beating vagina.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Randomize
