Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
