Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
