Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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