I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
