I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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