Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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