Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
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hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married