My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Are we still banned from the library?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer