This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
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I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
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I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.