i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
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The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
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Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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