margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
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Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
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He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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