i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.