I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
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I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
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Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.