I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
