Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
