you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
