I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
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he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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