I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
