how can u be prego again
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
