He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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