She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
from now on my penis is your penis
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
She's like a pop up book from hell.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection