This beer is not sobering me up at all
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.