Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
yea but for you.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I lost the right to judge tonight
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?