I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize