I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
