So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???