Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.