wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.