I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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