I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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