I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize