ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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