we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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