I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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