When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
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She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
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I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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