i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
