So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
