Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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