You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
