I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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