I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
