yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
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High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
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I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle