i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
