i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
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Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Blood and glitter go together right?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
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You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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