I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Dear god my vagina.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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