so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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