If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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