We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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