Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
