my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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