I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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