i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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