Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
jump out the window naked night went bad
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
