Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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